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Live Whacking Archive
click "Live Whacking" button for the latest entries

24 April 2006

Deranged freak worries about space lizards

Richard Neville gives us this penetrating insight:

We live our everyday lives as though the Earth will continue on its orbit, much as always, indifferent to our aspirations and plots.

I'm guessing that might have something to do with the fact that the Earth will continue orbiting the sun, and will remain "indifferent to our aspirations and plots". Those bastard neocon planets. Have they no feelings?

Richard - the man who once argued that digital watches were destroying humanity - moves on from cosmology to serve up another collection of apocalyptic howling and bewildering non-sequiturs:



So to all those bright young things studying advertising, marketing, tourism, urban architecture, food technology, fashion, fine arts and so on, what should the climatologist be saying? That tomorrow's shopping malls will be off the grid and T-bone steaks harvested in Petri dishes? That WallMart will re-invent itself as a farmers market, cars will run on hemp and desalinated Coke will get us through the night. Sure. Or will true leadership emerge on the world stage, extracting the West from its psychopathic imperial vortex in time to deal with a dramatic shift of priorities?


When mingling with climatologists, and hearing of the plight of the West Antarctic Ice Sheet, there comes a point when I ask something crass: yes, but how do you really feel about our chances? Reactions are strikingly similar. Furtive glances, hand across mouth, a muted tone: “We're fucked”. This is followed by a bleak cascade of data, until I interrupt. Why don't you say this publicly? “You've got to give people hope”. But I wonder – why can't truth and hope be friends?

"Why can't truth and hope be friends?". Strange question coming from Richard, who - in the sidebar on the right of his webpage links to some of the most psychotically deranged "information sources" imaginable.

The latest of Richard's paragons of non-corporate purity is These are the guys who believe, amongst other things...

- that the world is being run by a secret brotherhood of alien reptiles (these guys are big fans of David Icke). I am not making this up.
- that the 9/11 attacks were a giant hoax organised by the US government, and that no civilian airliners were ever crashed into the WTC or the pentagon.
- Paul McCartney is dead and his imposter is an evil occult overlord who wants to nuke the Superbowl.

Dick tells us he got this link from the King Kong of loony conspiracy sites,

No wonder the lefty press in Australia still regard Neville as a serious commentator. Maybe they'll ask him about the lizards.



Tomorrow, I finally collect my Catrike Speed:

And because tomorrow is a public holiday, I'll be giving it a good initiation. Well, I'll have to, because the dealer won't deliver it so I have to ride it 30kms home. Can't figure out how I'm going to fit a bike computer to it though.....



I've mentioned him earlier, but I'll give another reminder to my dear readers to check out the collected ravings of serial muslim Usenet crackpot 'Kangarooistan'.

The basic message is this: the west can't prevail against the mighty warriors of Islam. Because the history of islam is one of "endless military victories". He promises that Iran will crush the US if they go to war, and that "millions of Americans" will die in the first year.

This fellow once argued that the Taliban destroyed the ancient Buddha statue because it was a "national security risk".

He promises that "white christian capitalists" will kneel before him and beg for mercy. This coming from a guy who can't operate his caps-lock key.

18 April 2006

Yeah, yeah. I know

Posting has been minimal on this site recently. I've been caught up playing The Godfather, the Call of Duty series, and having another go or two at GTA San Andreas.

I've also been reading Leo Rosten's superb The New Joys of Yiddish. Oy!


Intellectual commie artwork

Reader John D. sent me a link to the collected bowel-movements of 'revolutionary artist' Carlos Latuff, who appears to be expressing long-repressed rage over what I can only guess is some kind of bed-wetting problem.

Carlos appears to get a boner every time he thinks about Osama, though I doubt anyone other than Carlos' shrink can explain his demented Coca-Cola fixation (carbonated water is eeeevil, man!).

Carlos The Bedwetter also has some dynamite stuff on Israel. This one is real classy.

Here's a collection of other loser artists, and just plain losers.


Right Wing Death Beast vs. Captain Malaria

Please support J.F. Beck in his assault on Malaria. It's more than most lefties have ever done.


Lubricated Goat

I watched the infamous performance of In The Raw when it first aired, and back then it was completely uncensored. It remains one of the funniest things I've seen in my life. You could just picture every Jesus-freak and 'Family' group in the country having a seizure.

For the benefit of my overseas readers: in 1988, on Andrew Denton's show Blah Blah Blah, Lubricated Goat - a band of brain-dead, tuneless, drunken idiots - got up on stage and lip-synched their song In The Raw. They did so completely naked, and spent most of the performance waving their genitals at the camera. This was on free-to-air television, with no censorship whatsoever. The singer was clearly up to his eyebrows in liquid refreshment and his facial expressions while trying to remember the lyrics were hysterical.

Mwahahaha. Wonderful. One of the greatest moments in the history of television.


The world's most useless invention goes on a big adventure

Having completely failed to start a personal transport revolution, the Segway scooter goes on a cruise across America.

Naturally, this work of innovative technoloigcal genius required a support team to complete the journey.

Exactly. That adds a whole logistical element to it. We're changing a battery every hour or so when we're on the road. And we need to have a place to charge 15 batteries every night...We've got a Jeep Cherokee that follows me with all our film gear and Segway gear.

Heh, how practical and environmentally friendly! I guess these guys have never heard of an earlier invention known as the 'bicycle'.

I'd hate to be one of the venture capitalists who sunk their money into this lump of crap.

And to think, the inventors actually believed that cities of the future would be designed around this stupid machine.

My gift to the Religion of Peace

Seeing as those awful JewNazis have offended your sensibilities by having the temerity to exist, let me calm your nerves by posting some pictures which will act as a soothing balm to your islamist sentiments:

Islamists who find these images offensive are invited to send mail here.


Horrible songs

Which is worse: Lennon's Imagine or McCartney's Mull of Kintyre?

I vote for Imagine. Just hearing it mentioned makes my bowels clench.


What the.....

Can't remember where I found the link to this.

The ten weirdest keyboards ever

Some of them just look bloody painful.

4 April 2006

Enough already

Note to the Australian media: please shut the fuck up about Jana Pittman and Tamsyn Lewis. Two taxpayer-funded bimbos don't like one another. Big fucking deal.


And you thought your grandad was crazy....

What do you do if you're an ageing ex-Marine who's just escaped from a mental institution, realised he's homeless and has just sold his truck?

Why naturally, you'd buy a trike and travel around America towing two hundred pounds of luggage, vaguely recording each step in an internet travel journal.


Joseph Stalin: humanitarian & hero

I want you to click on this link. Take some time and browse all the articles within. Here's one highlight:

Stalin is a towering figure of the 20th Century. It is precisely because of Stalin's achievements and stature, valid criticisms notwithstanding, that he is still held in such high standing and that there are so many — and such unrelenting — attacks on him in the bourgeois media fifty years after his death.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Simply mind-boggling.


Another reason why Fidel Castro should be disemboweled with a spoon

Guillermo Fariñas.

To all the Castro apologists out there: I hope you die. Painfully.

Mourning a great man

Man, these local commie sadcases never met a mass-murderer they didn't admire:

Upwards of 100,000 people attended the funeral of Slobodan Milosevic in Belgrade following his death in The Hague prison where he had faced down his accusers for four years. His death at 64 years of age brought to an end his long fight against the campaign of imperialism to dismember the Socialist Republic of Yugoslavia.

From the moment he and the Yugoslavian Government under his leadership opposed the plans of imperialism he became a marked man who suffered the unrelenting venom and hatred of all Western leaders and demonisation by the Western media. They demand unquestioning compliance with their policies and Milosevic refused to bend the knee.


It is the leaders of the Western powers, those really responsible for the rape of Yugoslavia and wars in the Balkans, who are the real mass murderers and should be brought before the legitimate International Court of Justice.

Charming people, these communists.


...and while on the subject of local communist idiots......

Here they are venting their rage back in 2000 against people who dare to criticise the benevolent regime in North Korea:

Mesmerised by their own lies and misconceptions over decades the western media continues to pour vitriol over the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea and its leader, Kim Jong Il, even after the obvious was forced on them at the Summit meeting just held in Pyongyang.

Reporters admitted that Kim Jong Il was highly civil, courteous, a genial host, statesmanlike and witty whereas they had been presenting him as "unpredictable" and "one of the world's reclusive despots". Having never been to North Korea, the journalists pronounced the north as a country where the people are "savagely oppressed" and where the economy is "dysfunctional". It is the western world and the people of South Korea who have been brainwashed.

South Korean students have been told that northerners were "horrid little people". "I was even told that they [had] little horns on their heads" said one South Korean student. Instead of starving masses lining the streets of Pyongyang there were 600,000 North Koreans, many dressed in National costumes and waving pink flowers. "The trip", says one reporter, "was a master stroke of public relations by Kim Jong Il."

Sounds like paradise. *cough*

Here's a prediction from the same six-year old article:

With peace breaking out and the prospect of reunification in the air, the justification for the stationing of American troops in South Korea is removed. Watch out for provocations!

Yes, the Americans have non-invaded North Korea every year! Crush the imperialists!


The Deep Political Thoughts of Mike Tyson and some other dork

Turns out Mike is a great fan of Chinese thinkers:

Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson visited Mao Zedong's mausoleum in a token of respect to add to the Mao tattoo on his arm and his personal book collection of the late Great Helmsman.

A long-time admirer, Tyson confessed to feelings of inadequacy when gazing upon Mao's embalmed remains.

"I felt really insignificant next to the remains of Chairman Mao," the China Daily today quoted Tyson as saying.

Tyson bought several books on Mao before shouting "I love you!" to Chinese onlookers as he left the mausoleum.

The boxer says his special interest stems from reading Mao's selected works while serving a prison sentence in the US for rape in the 1990s.

One assumes they were the Crayon Editions.

I guess it's possible Mao has had a bad rap. 'Maoist scholar' Raymond Lotta issues a press release defending the great man:

Mao Tsetung was not the monster that Jung Chang and Jon Halliday allege, but the greatest liberator of the mid-20th century. That George Bush would find inspiration in this book, and that its authors would offer their work as ideological ammunition for the Bush administration's imperial crusade, tells us something about the book's real agenda."

"Mao Tsetung had a vision of a society and world without exploitation and oppression, a world in which people consciously seek to understand and change the world and themselves; George Bush has a vision of a world under the uncontested military, political, and economic domination of the United States--a world of unfettered capitalism in which rightwing Christianity serves to bully and blind people into submission."

" Mao: The Unknown Story combines tendentious historical reconstruction with gossip and slander, unsubstantiated factual assertions, statements wrenched out of context, anonymous testimonies of personal cruelty, and complete distortion of the liberating goals and extraordinary achievements of the revolution Mao led. These lies assert Mao was responsible for the death of millions. But the truth is, Mao's social and economic policies improved the lives of countless millions and life expectancy doubled under Mao."

The 'life expectancy' of those he didn't have killed that is.

22 March 2006

Crotch Man - the secret revealed

So, did you guess what product Crotch-Man was attached to?

It was - bewilderingly - a bath towel.

So, why exactly is Crotch-Man holding his privates?

- does he need to pee and can't find a toilet? Needs something to soak up the mess?
- does he have a terrible genital infection he needs to apply a hot compress to?
- does he have an abnormally large cock and needs to hide an erection?
- does he have an abnormally small cock and needs to hide his shame?
- Is it John Bobbit looking for an improvised bandage of some sort?
- did someone just knee him in the balls and the towel-maker thought it was funny?
- the four darts you can see above his head are headed for his family jewels?

Ah, the mysteries of the universe.


All the problems of the world are solved

An Australian company is releasing a Free Energy machine.

The Lutec 1000 is the first free energy machine to be developed to commercial stage anywhere in the world.

The Lutec 1000 generator will produce up to 1000 watts of DC electricity twenty four hours a day, every day, which will be stored in a battery bank and then inverted to AC power and connected directly into the home or business.

The Lutec 1000 draws the power it requires to run itself from the same battery bank.

No, really. People on USENET are very excited about it, so it must work.


Ah well, that explains it then.......

An insane muslim poster on USENET, operating under the handle 'Kangarooistan', explains the real reason why the nice Taliban guys were forced to destroy the evil giant Buddha statue:















Um, OK then.


More on the bad dentist

It's 9 days since my tooth got "fixed", and the fucking thing is hurting again.

Useless incompetent cunt dentist.



Meh, no time for me to do another pizza update tonight. Hopefully in my next update....

20 March 2006

The Dentist From Hell

Last week, after a few weeks of an awful toothache, I visited The Dentist from Hell:

1- He was Chinese, and I couldn't understand a bloody word he said.

2- he squirted half of the tooth-numbing liquid straight down my damn throat.

3- the liquid was useless, and I howled with pain a couple of times. I swear he drilled every fucking nerve in my tooth.

4- the jabbing of the scalpel into my tooth cavity was quite amazingly painful. If my mouth wasn't full of implements, I would have screamed in agony.

5- His "fillings" ended up with jagged bits of the filling gunk all over my teeth, so it feels like I have sharp rocks sticking out of my gums.

6- His assistant didn't seem to have a clue how to do anything, and he kept barking corrections at her.

7- Neither of them seemed to know how to operate the water-dispenser. The request for some water to rinse my mouth left them baffled.

8- The dentist mistook the patient in the next room for me. It took him 15 minutes to realise he was talking to the wrong patient. The other patient was a small child.

9- You know the small clamp they use to keep your lip raised while they work on your teeth? The fucking idiot screwed it onto my goddamned *gum* instead of my tooth. You can probably imagine what that felt like. He eventually managed to do it correctly.

10- His idiot receptionist kept me waiting for 10 minutes to pay the bill while she engaged in mindless chit-chat on the phone. Then I had to listen to her incomprehensible quips about tooth extractions.

11- They told me I should come back in 3 weeks for root canal work. Fat fucking chance, you assholes.

12- Oh yeah, he didn't even seem capable of operating the chair properly. Until halfway through the procedure, the movable neck-rest was underneath my shoulder blades.

I'm sure getting a couple of fillings isn't supposed to be this painful nowdays.


More responses to my pizza post

The Great Cantinera - who sadly I don't get to talk to much anymore - sends her thoughts:

It's hard for me to describe the best pizza ever... or even the worst. It's just one of those comfort foods where even at its worst, it works. It's pizza, dude!

Having said that, I do like my crust thin and crunchy or at the other end of the spectrum, super doughy. Not a fan of deep pan pizza though.

For toppings, I'm a pretty much anything goes person (excluding the British fascination with putting corn on pizzas -- what is up with that?). I like it spicy and meaty, or sun dried toms and spinach. Possibly with goat cheese, which is truly the vital ingredient for me. As a cheese fanatic, I want LOTS of it. Any kind (but particularly goat or mozzarella). And lots of sauce.

But now I have IBS, so it's no more pizza (except for the occasional wholemeal, thin-crust).

Not the worst part of it though; as a Californian my ultimate food is actually a taco. It's not blaspheming -- it's the truth!


Here's Corey Hines with some fine thoughts:

A whole pizza or by the slice?
Whole.  Always.  One slice is never enough.

Thin crust? Thick crust? What sauce? What kinda oven?
Thin = more topping, less bread.  This is preferred. Tomato sauce.  BBQ on pizza is a crime against humanity. No preference on an oven.  However, I do prefer my pizza slightly overcooked as opposed to undercooked.  Undercooked pizza is all bad.

What toppings? How much cheese?
Salamis, olives, herbs, garlic, anchovies are all good.  I like the emphasis on saltier, spicier, richer and heavier flavours.  Eggplant, pineapple, chicken, BBQ sauce, etc. are abominations.

What makes good pizza? What makes bad pizza? What are your favourite
permutations of pizza?
Good pizza - slightly overcooked, cheese starting to brown.  Good use of spices.  I like the cheese on top of the other toppings, to hold everything together.  Bad pizza - miserly use of toppings, undercooked, base too greasy, insufficient use of herbs or spices, tomato sauce too sweet. Sweetness in pizza is wrong.  Cheap, shitty cheese will also detract from the experience that is quality pizza consumption.

What do you like to drink with your pizza? Do you eat anything else
with your pizza?
Coca-Cola is a sound choice, the sweetness contrasts nicely with the savoury flavours of the pizza.  If beer, a lighter one such as a Pilsner is preferred.  Heavier beers like Guinness do not go with pizza.  Garlic bread is the preferred appetiser.  Flat, pizza-style garlic bread is also a worthy companion to the pizza.

What countries or locales have the best pizza?
I haven't been to enough places to comment.  I can, however, state categorically that pizza in South-East Asia sucks.  I'm visiting Rome next week, and looking forward to tasting genuine Italian pizza.

Is there anything in the world better than pizza?
I seriously doubt it.  Good Peking Duck comes close though.

What's the best pizza you've ever had? What's the worst pizza you've
ever had?
I couldn't pick a single best.  Worst is definitely a shitty chain called "Pizza Haven".  Pizza Haven should be a magnet for spud-cannon enthusiasts everywhere.

Can communists make pizza?
Pizza restaurants under communism would be a very interesting theoretical discussion.  Naturally, there would be a government monopoly on pizza production and sales.  Pizza preparation would be governed by the Autonomous Socialist State- Regulatory Authority for Pizza Equality (ASS-RAPE), who would enforce regulations of Topping Or Sauce Selection (TOSS), Baking Uniformity Laws & Legislation (BULL), etc, with the aim of ensuring adherence to the Full Pizza Uniformity Laws & Legislation (FULL-PULL).  A pizza cook who dares disobey ASS-RAPE's TOSS or BULL is in breach of FULL-PULL, and is hence sent to the Autonomous Socialist State- Re-Education Administration, Management, and Intelligence National Gulag

Are eggs and/or pineapple on pizza the work of the anti-christ, or a
delicacy enjoyed by higher beings?
Eggs on an Aussie pizza have their place.  The ingredients I take offence to are the sweeter ones, such as pineapple or BBQ sauce, or the ones that take the flavour too far off course, such as eggplant or rocket.  Egg sits quite well with the ham and bacon of the Aussie pizza.

Why are pizzas better than hippies?
Largely because they smell better.  And no self-respecting pizza will be seen dead in a Che Guevara T-shirt.

And here's Nigel Withers of Sydney who favours a more traditional home-made variety:

I developed a taste for really simple pizza on a trip through Italy years ago.  I'm talking about pizza that is just a bit of dough, a smear of tomato paste, a bit of fresh basil and a handful of great cheese.  Good, simple fresh ingredients used sparingly.  More is not better. 

I got my parents to buy me a Kitchen Aide mixer last year as a house warming present - it is a commercial mixer from hell that cost about $700.  It has a motor about as powerful as the Vespa and it makes short work of mixing dough.  That's a good start.  I usually make enough for two pizzas to feed three of us.  The dough is just the basics - flour, water, salt and yeast (although I chuck in some semolina for a bit of crunchiness).  I let it rest for an hour, then roll it as thin as possible.  My brother gave me some of that Teflon cooking paper, and I roll it out on that because it comes off the paper really easily when it is time to build the pizza.

I use one tin of tomatoes per pizza for paste - you squeeze the bejesus out of them over the sink to get all the water out, then blend them with a handful of oregano (from the garden) maybe some rosemary plus oil, garlic, salt and vinegar. 

The wog shops supply really good fresh bocconcini, freshly shaved double smoked ham (beats the shit out of what you'll get in a supermarket) parmesan and mozzarella.  A simple three cheese pizza made with just the above cheeses and a bunch of basil (also from the garden) lasts only a few minutes.  Again, it is not necessary to throw on tonnes of cheese.  Use good cheese, and go for an "elegant sufficiency".  I used to be a "pile it high with meat and stuff" kind of guy, but since I was browbeaten into making simple vegetarian pizzas, my tastes have changed.  If I am feeling rich and wanky, I get buffalo mozzarella or bocconcini.

I also make a ham and pineapple for the 10 year old (and I love them too).  This is where the double smoked, thinly sliced ham comes into its own.  Really good, fresh ham sliced in front of you is just too delicious for words. 

I picked up two pizza stones at some el-cheapo shop for about $10 each.  They go into an oven that is turned up to 11 early on and allowed to get as hot as it can go.  I pull one out, sprinkle it with semolina (to stop the pizza sticking) and then make the pizza on the sizzling stone.  It only takes a minute, then in it goes.  the dough starts cooking as soon as it hits the stone, adding to the crunchiness of the base. A 3 cheese pizza gets 7-8 minutes and a ham and pineapple maybe 10. 

A merchant banker mate of mine took 6 months off last year and took his family to Italy.  They spent 2 months each in 3 different places and had a chef in once a week to show them local dishes.  He came back a pizza maestro.  His trick was to buy a bench top pizza cooker - they cost about $150 and look like a little webber.  He reckons a pizza needs only 3-5 minutes in one of them as it gets much hotter than your average household oven.  As he put it, as soon as the cheese is bubbling, yank the pizza out.  Don't overcook it.

When my first pizza is cooked, I pull it out stone and all and we eat it off the sizzling stone.  As it sits there sizzling on the bench, I make up the second and toss it in the oven.  I reckon most ovens don't have enough grunt or heat circulation to cook more than one pizza at a time. 

I have had 20 people come over and invited them to make up the toppings.  All I do is make dough and mix the tomato paste.  If the base is good and they don't go stupid with the toppings, even a numbnuts can make a good pizza. 

I am now totally suspicious of any pizza that is loaded with stuff.  It is like cafes that serve a latte in a tall glass with a stem - the coffee is always totally crap and the food is no better. 

I've also found that a big part of the pizza taste comes from using lots of fresh oregano in the tomato paste.  And I mean lots.  I have a planter full of it on the verandah and I murder it once a week to make pizza.  Dried shit is no substitute.  It's like using parmesan dust from a can or that stupid pre grated mozzarella in a bag. 

Given all that, I still think some of the best pizza came from a pizza shop attached to a pub I used to frequent as a student in Perth.  You always ended up with burnt pizza mouth as you tried to eat it pissed. I think it tasted great because anything tastes great after several jugs of beer.  Therefore, the secret to great pizza is probably drinking a lot before you make it or eat it.  I have tried beer, wine and rum and coke as a pre-pizza aperatif and all do the trick.

I tried pizza in East Berlin just after the wall came down.  Commies can't make shoes, and they sure can't cook pizza (or anything else for that matter).


More pizza stuff in my next update.


Jane Austen's Vindaloo

I watched the 'western Bollywood' movie Bride and Prejudice the other night. A hugely enjoyable, and wonderfully bizarre experience.

Bollywood uber-babe Aishwarya Rai stars in this telling of the Jane Austen tale, which is a modern day version of the story, with some Bollywood song-n-dance numbers thrown in.

It's quite ridiculous, amazing to look at, and very funny.

Nitin Ganatra nearly steals the show as the hilariously moronic Mr. Kholi. The young female Indian cast are all babes. The only down side was Martin Henderson's Darcy, who has all the screen presence of a boiled cabbage.

It's Bollywood for westerners: spoken in English, and at less than two hours, is about half the length of a real Bollywood movie. Check it out.


My new toy - a story in two parts

Further to my recent posts of buying a recumbent trike to get fit. I've ordered a Catrike Speed, which I should receive in about 2-3 weeks. In the meantime I also just bought one of these:

A Scott Sub10. A hybrid mountain/road bike for urban duties. Light weight, skinny tyres and high-quality componentry. Some brief notes:

- The handling is razor sharp, gearshifting is easy (once you set it up properly) and the disc brakes are great.

- Definitely needs a new saddle. The standard one, like most road bikes, is unbearable, even with a gel seat cover attached.

- There's also a tad too much weight on the wrists for my liking, so I'll be raising the bars a bit.

- Accessories added thus far: a set of Shimano M520 clipless pedals, an ergonomic saddle, bar-end handles and a Sigma BC 1200 bike computer.

It's a wonderful bicycle, though riding it these last few days hasn't been much fun, due to me being in atrocious physical shape. But that will change, and it aint the bike's fault.

Now to the second part of this tale;

I wasn't looking to buy a bicycle, my mind has been on trikes, which have most of the benefits of bikes without the discomfort.

My discovery of this terrific piece of machinery is thanks to Australian blogger Phillip Gomes. Phil's probably best known for his writing on lefty blog Lavartus Prodeo. I don't read it, and I doubt Phil and I would agree on many things. Phil does however, have a fine cycling blog called Spinopsys, which I happened upon by chance. And one of the first things I read there was a review of the Scott Sub 10. From what Phil wrote, and from another review I found on the web, the Sub10 sounded right up my alley: lightweight road bike with the geometry of a mountain bike.

Finding one to buy proved a bastard of a task. The Sub10 has been a popular bike since it was released. So much so, that the Australian importer had none left, and neither did any of the Scott dealers I visited.

Salvation came in the form of Woolys Wheels in Sydney, who had what was probably the last Sub10 for sale in the country, and in my size too. After confirming a few details by e-mail, I rung them up and ordered it over the phone with my credit card.

I realised not long after I hung up that the salesman I'd just bought it from was the aforementioned Mr. Gomes.

One could point to a conflict of interest in positively reviewing a bike that you're selling yourself, but I've got no problem with it, mostly because his review was spot-on. It's a superb bike, and I've got him to thank for helping me discover it.

And Phil gets the satisfaction of converting me to the ecologically-friendly world of bicycles. It's win-win. At least for Mr. Gomes it is, as he now has my credit card number.


Urban Bovine

Say hi to Streetcow (soon to be sued by Tom Cruise).



Green Left Astrology

The Green Left Weekly brings us our star signs. I've added my own helpful comments to help our astrological lefties through their next bouts of life-trauma...


You will spend 45 minutes in a queue at Centrelink today, only to find that they've suspended your student allowance for no apparent reason. They assure you it will be restored — if you fill out seven forms and attend three interviews.

You could always try to get that job you saw advertised, even though it pays less than what you think you deserve after completing your arts degree with honours in Post-Mapplethorpe Toilet Photography.


Today, you will leave your house and be surrounded by frustrated, alienated people who seem to live in dread of making eye-contact with you. As you cross the street at a pedestrian crossing, a motorist will speed up and try to run you down.

What were you doing at Bob Brown's house anyway?

You will feel depressed and think that maybe buying an iPod will cheer you up — but you won't be able to afford one.

You'll find employment is a wonderful remedy for this.


If you are a woman, you will get to hear federal health minister Tony Abbott on the evening news describing your right to control your body and to choose whether or not to carry a pregnancy to full-term as a “tragedy” and an “unutterable shame”. You will get the urge to hurt him.

The rest of us get an urge to hurt greenies every day. Thankfully, our jobs and families keep us occupied.


If you wear a veil, have a beard, or are of Middle Eastern appearance, you will be treated with hostility and suspicion wherever you go. The newspaper headlines this morning will be racist, Islamophobic and highly offensive, and in the articles, Peter Costello and John Howard will try to out-do each other with backward, racist comments.

You'll find your imagination and the non-existent have a lot in common.


Today, you will fail to complete an important assignment for uni, as you have to work for four days a week serving coffee to lawyers for $10 an hour in order to pay your rent.

Working four days a week? Oh the horror, you poor daffodil.


You will come to the realisation that we should aim to understand what happens in the world using science and reason; that astrology is a rather dubious science, and horoscopes are full of shit.

Much like The Green Left Weekly, which, like Astrology columns, does at least have some entertainment value.


If you live in Baghdad, you will have access to electricity for four hours today, if you're lucky. You will not have access to clean water, and you will stay inside all day because a) Baghdad's not the safest city in the world, and b) you are part of the 60% of the Iraqi population that is now unemployed. Your brother will be killed by a US-backed death squad set up to provoke sectarian violence between Sunnis and Shiites. Surprisingly, you will develop feelings of hostility towards the occupying troops, and become part of the 65% of the population who support attacks by the Iraqi armed resistance on the US-led occupation forces.

Unless of course, you're one of the majority of Baghdad's population whom none of this has happened to.


If you live in Iran, you will begin suffering from acute anxiety, and as you hear Bush talking about “regime change” and “weapons of mass destruction”, you will wonder, “Is anyone else getting a sense of deja-vu?”

You might also be worried about your theocratic dictatorship which doesn't allow free elections, free media, issues fatwahs against western authors and still stones women to death.


If you live in the US, you will be one of the 5 million people who have sunk below the poverty line under the rule of President George Bush — however, living in a poor community as you do, you will be provided with heavily discounted heating oil by Venezuela's revolutionary government in an act of solidarity with the US people. At school today, military recruiters will come and encourage you to join the army and fight for your country. You won't be able to afford to go to uni anyway, so you consider it for a quarter of a second before thinking: “Hah — fuck that.”

Unless you're one of those millions of non-rich American kids who do actually end up going to university and have never even heard of some Venezuelan idiot offering you heating oil.


If you live in Venezuela, you will feel a sense of tremendous pride and satisfaction as you know you are part of an incredibly important process — a struggle for popular power, democracy and socialism — that is having global impact. You will now have a real say in decision-making in your community, and your quality of life will have improved dramatically over the last few years as a result of the Bolivarian revolution. You will now be able to read and write, as the revolution has eliminated illiteracy — largely with the help of Cuban teachers — and you have also had the benefit of one of the millions of free medical consultations provided by more than 20,000 Cuban medics.

Unless you're one of the journalists whom Chavez decides to imprison under his 'disrespect' laws, or one of the poor population, approximately none of whom have had their lives improved.


If you live in sub-Saharan Africa, you will be one of 26,000 people throughout the Third World who will die today from poverty — most likely from malnourishment, a preventable disease or an AIDS-related illness.

And you'll dream of moving to the west, which thanks to democracy and capitalism, is superior to your continent in absolutely every respect, and doesn't have presidents who deny that HIV and AIDS are actually related.


Today, you will come to the understanding that this global system that inflicts war, poverty and absolute misery on the overwhelming majority of the world's population must be radically changed.

And thanks to the Coalition of the willing, that System has been changed in Afghanistan, Iraq and Lebanon.

The Stars are indeed a source of wisdom.


Ducati finally wakes up and smells the coffee

Ducati CEO Federico Minoli has coyly admitted what the rest of the motorcycling world figured out three years ago: that changing from one of the most beautiful sportsbike designs of all time - the 916 - to the ugly-as-pigshit 999 was a serious mistake.

It's a divisive bike. Somebody liked it very much, somebody did not like it very much. And so, of course, we are looking at a substitute. But when and how, we still don't know. But I think that the new one will be more in the sign of tradition of Ducati. While the 999 was very forward and innovative and a kind of discontinuity with the past, it's hard to improve Michelangelo's Pieta, after all. And so I think that our decision which, with hindsight, maybe was not right, was to really go off the beaten track and try something very novelty. I think that we will try to go back to less angle and more round and stuff like that.

It was ugly when it was released, and it's just as ugly now. If that wasn't bad enough, they gave us the Multistrada. It's hard to understand how Ducati could have been so out of their fucking minds.


Local losers defend monster

The Communist Party of Australia is mourning the loss of a great man:

As time goes on, Milosevic will come to be seen as a hero and a martyr in the struggle against the criminal plots of imperialism



The Mystery of Crotch-Man

The other day my girlfriend received a gift with this label attached:

Try to guess what kind of gift it was. Hint: it was not a pornographic or medicinal item.

The answer in my next update.

7 March 2006

Talk Pizza To Me

I've gotten some quality responses to my pizza post.....

Michael Martin writes:

Best pizza ever in my life was someplace in Manhattan--a little hole-in-the-wall that we happened upon by accident back in '00. Probably people in NYC know the the name of the joint--I recall there was a photo of Paul McCartney on the wall, and something or other about how he loved their pizza so much that he had it flown over to him on the Concorde.

But gawd, so fooking good. It was "NY" style--meaning thin white crust. Wish I knew the secret, but everything--flavor, texture, overall pizza aesthetics--the best ever. For me, thin crust rules. Chicago style much too doughy.

Agreed about the thin crust. Hate thick, spongey crusts. He's not too keen on Hawaiian pizza though:

Pineapple on pizza is so gay.

Philistine. Michael recommends porter or shiraz as his favoured pizza beverage.

Tony from Melbourne:

We have, in my opinion, the best and worst pizza shops in Melbourne within 5 minutes drive of my place.

Best: Sergios, High St Ashburton.

They have one of those hi tech conveyor ovens, so they always come out well cooked. Generous with toppings. Low fat cheese. High turnover so fresh toppings.

Clean amenities, which I use as a proxy for general standards of hygiene. Fantastic coffee. Not much in the way of ambience.

Only negative? Crap service. Been going there 15 years, they don't know my name or Jill, my partners.

I always take one beer and a bottle of red (gotta love BYO don't you) and every fucking time we sit down, they bring over a glass for my beer, (and we are talking once a week for fifteen years here) and every time I say "no glass thanks" 'cause I think it makes my beer go flat. Every week.

Tony, apart from telling us to avoid a Melbourne pizza joint called 'Sofias', also brings us a pizza horror story from the USA....

I was in Chicago late last year, and had Friday night free with my boss. So, we decided to go score a cheap Italian and then go to a couple of blues clubs I had been told to check out.

So I asked the doorman at our hotel "where do you go for a good "locals" style Italian meal?" And he sends us to the place that sells the best pizza in chicago. His words, And says, you must try the deep dish house specialty.

So, we get there, queue for nearly an hour. You then have to order, then go to the bar and have a few drinks. They eventually call your name and take you to a table, and they bring out your food.

I should mention the oven. A huge carousel thing about 20 ft long that rolled not unlike an escalator. They just kept on putting pizzas on the steps, which rotate back and up into the oven, with cooked pizza returning at the end of the loop. Must have held 200 pizzas. No kid.

Anyway, I am starving by this stage.

My boss & I work out they just keep the pizza on standby till your table is available, which means its overdone in our case by the time it arrives.

So, out comes my medium size pizza. It's 18 inches across for starters. The crust is ½ inch thick on the bottom and about 1 and ½ " high on the sides. The "topping" goes in first, on the bottom.

The whole pizza is then covered with ½ an inch of cheese. The cheese is then covered with ½" of tomato paste. So my pizza PIE is about two inches thick. Hmm, I thinks, well I am hungry, so....

First mouthful and all I can taste is salt. So much salt you literally could not taste anything else. Just fucking disgusting.

Meanwhile, at the table next to us, two locals (about the size of a house each) were going into a feeding frenzy with two family size salt flavoured pizzas (after having entrees) literally grabbing slices with both hands and just stuffing them down like the proverbial last meal. No wonder they are all so fat over there. I am surprised they live long enough to get fat, with all the salt they put on everything.

Anyway, our two inedible pizzas cost us (with drinks) eighty five plus tip.

.....thus proving one of my laws of pizza: the more expensive the restaurant, the worse the pizza is. There are exceptions of course, but it's a useful rule of thumb.

Future Canadian PM Damian Penny throws in his two cents:

"Gourmet pizza" is an oxymoron, like "democratic socialist".

Amen brother. Sadly, Damian likes thick crusts, but he's a genius when it comes to pizza toppings:


Hmm, not quite enough meat for me, but it's close. Like me, Damian likes Coke with his pizza and reckons his midget burg of Corner Brook has two of the best pizza joints on earth. He also says pineapple and egg on pizza are for idiots. Stoopid canuck.

Former blogger Sasha Castel weighs in with the following pizza manifesto:

As a native New Yorker, I've got a soft spot for the large, NY style pizza served by the slice.

Sal's and Carmine's at Broadway and 102nd street, makes my favorite, although Broadway Pizza and Pasta at 231st in Kingsbridge is a worthy contender as well. Also must put in a word for Big Nick's/Pizza Joint on Broadway and 77th for quality 'za at any hour of the day or night. You can order pizza at 8 in the morning if you want to. (Don't ask me how I know this.) New York also has many great pie palaces where one orders entire pizzas.Tops among these are Totonno's, Patsy's, Nick's and Giovanni's on Arthur Avenue. Many of the best are made with fresh mozzarella and basil, and the crusts are bubbly and charred from the brick oven. Charcoal- and wood-fired ovens are best, but satisfactory results can be obtained from gas ovens. It is permissible to eat this pizza with a knife and fork, at least for the first few bites.

The ideal pizza should have a crust that is flexible enough to fold easily, yet not soggy, and crisp enough to offer a bit of tooth-resistance but not break when folded. If a knife and fork are needed, the crust is just not right. Slices are to be eaten folded, in a paper plate, with a napkin tucked into the crease to catch the dripping oil. A paper plate under the slice helps guard fingers from burns. I have never tried the "double": two slices atop one another and then folded, in the manner of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Sauce should be a thin layer, just enough to marry the cheese and crust. Excessive drippiness/goopiness of sauce is very unappealing.. The sauce should be a simple smooth puree of tomatoes and the tiniest pinches of salt, sugar and herbs. Excessively sweet, chunky or herbal sauces are bad. Straining is a necessity... bits of tomato peel or seed are distracting and yucky. The cheese must be mozzarella, period. None of this abomination that the Australians call "tasty" cheese (aka ersatz cheddar). It does not melt properly and becomes disgustingly greasy and rubbery. The mozzarella can be fresh or aged, and should be a light even layer on the pizza. Not so much that it weighs the pie down, but not so little that you leave "bald spots".

As to the thorny subject of toppings: I am a fan of the unadorned "plain" or "cheese" pizza but I also love pizzas made with good-quality meats: sausage, salami, ham or pepperoni. Personally I don't care for vegetables on my pizza, but onions, olives, mushrooms and the like are acceptable. Putting hard-cooked eggs or pineapple on pizza should be tried at the Hague as a crime against humanity.

I have not had much experience with Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, except at the wildly variable Pizzeria Uno chain. Certainly I'm not prepared to concede pizza superiority to the Windy City.

There is an excellent blog devoted to New York pizza,, which is publishing excerpts from food guru Ed Levine's new book, Pizza: A Slice of Heaven.

Dominos and Pizza Hut are barely acceptable subtitutes for real pizza, if you're starving and need a grease fix. However, one cannot hope to achieve true pizza gestalt with these products. Likewise, supermarket frozen pizzas are for emergency situations only.

The best pizza I've had in Australia is served at the Cork Street Cafe in rural Gundaroo, NSW.

Feh. "Tasty" cheese works quite well thank you.

Thankfully, there are sane Americans who appreciate the finer things in the universe of pizza. Dave Schipani describes his conversion to the Dark Side of Pizza (ie. pineapple n' ham):

No rational person would put a sweet fruit on a pizza. It couldn't possibly work. When my buddy insisted I try it, I knew it would taste like shit and prove he's as big an idiot as I thought.

It was heaven. I'll have no other pizza now.

It shouldn't work, and it's one of life's beautiful mysteries that it does. And the fact that a Muslim will never savor it makes it all the sweeter.


Andrew Collins - another blessed thick crust hater - has a strange affection for seafood pizzas:

I grew up in San Francisco (I'm 51) and it has been the only place  where I could find a clam and garlic pizza (always ask for extra  garlic - the waitress will think you're a
stud). This remains my  favorite pizza.

Hmm, I'm not too keen on seafood on pizza, but Andrew chimes in with some more interesting pizza talk:

Leftover pizza, cold out of the reefer, is a completely different  food. But a good food. Pizza doesn't let you down.

My brother built a brick oven next to his barbecue pit and we've been  working on perfecting pizza recipes (dough, timing, heat, etc.). This  is a fine excuse to drink beer and simultaneously hone ones culinary  skills, outdoors, no less.

Unfortunately, these experiments may take  years. And years. We will persevere but I do think we could use some  help on this from our Australian brothers and sisters. Let me know if  you want me to send you plans for a simple outdoor oven. The gospel  needs to be spread.

Interestingly, the consistently "best" pizzas I've ever had were in  Copenhagen.

Heh. And yeah, please send me plans for your outdoor pizza oven.

Derek from Canada adds his thoughts:

The WORST pizza I have ever had was undoubtedly in Italy. Crap so
absolute, it cries out for a new level of descriptive taxonomy, and legal
sanctions. Among it's many transgressions in the domain of Pizza Law, this
particular vendor made a version with an entire intact fish, laying jelly
like in repose amid the cheese and pepperoni. Give me a break. If I was
inclined to eat a fish... would I eat a pizza?

No shit. He continues.....

The BEST pizza is a tie. First: a first class little steamy curbside
pizza vendor in St. Louis. A sort of stop- the- cab- on- the- way- home from
the Irish bar near the Arch. While it remains a possibility that the actual
memory of the slice was colored by the excesses of to many Killkennys, it
remains lofty in the brain records of great pizza I have had. It was a
conventional cheese and ground beef experience (and had a few ((And FEW is
the key)) chopped onions on it). It was sublime, thin crust and all. Second:
I had a pizza in Singapore (Canadian Pizza) that was memorable in the
extreme. They use these little scooters to deliver and I had been seeing
them all over town for about a year before I actually ordered one. And it
was divine.

Singapore? That's a surprise. They seemed unable to cook anything remotely western when I was there.

Derek finishes off with some fine wisdom:

There are some things that are just against the laws of the universe with
respect to Pizza.

*        Deep dish: Just cheap American marketing nonsense to revitalize a
flagging junk food.
*        Cheese actually inside the crust: Does this nonsense actually
require a comment?
*        Thick crust: Never understood the need to eat pounds of dough in
order to get at the real essence of the Pizza. Lets keep in mind the simple
engineering of the pizza: the dough is designed as a vehicle to support the
business end of a pizza, not form a substantial portion of the overall mass.

As an example of my capacity to adapt, should you accuse me of being to
staid in my thinking, I have come to love the use of pineapple and ham on a
pizza. Done well, it can be hard to beat.

I had a roommate in university, who was allergic to cheese. We had the
dubious pleasure, of a Friday nite, to order a cheese-less Pizza. This
actually has to be tried to be adequately evaluated. Mere description of the
process fails to bring one a taste of the pointlessness of the exercise. It
is sort of like a dough deli tray.

Amen, amen and amen.

Jason is another who recommends the virtues of a proper pizza ovens:

If you have the space and the means get yourself a wood fired pizza oven.  If you rent, “portable” ones are available.  I use the term portable loosely as the things are made from cast iron, stainless steel, internal firebricks and a large cooking stone.  I strongly recommend them as they also make excellent large ovens for cooking exceptionally large pieces of critters of all kinds.

Former New Yorker Michael Fisher likes his grease:

As a former resident of NY state, I am obviously an expert on pizza. The crust doesn't matter much, it's the toppings and, most importantly, the sauce. Never, ever, ever, ever put sugar in any kind of tomato sauce, much less for pizza.

In the Wash DC area, there's a pizza chain, Poppa John's, that has very good crust (not too thin, not too thick, nice fluffiness where there's no toppings), great toppings (they use some fine cheeses and really good meats, they have the best sausage topping in this area) but they put sugar in the sauce. I will never order another one. If I want sweet, I'll have dessert, thank you very much.

Domino's is one of the worst pizzas out there, except for all the rest outside of NY and Chicago. I order Domino's regularly when I'm not in NY, never in NY. That's like going to Venice, Italy and eating at the Pizza Hut there.

In the US pretty much only the northeastern part and the Chicago area know how to use grease properly. I think it's because of Greek and Italian immigrants (I'm Italian). Most nationalities just really don't understand good grease. You never, ever, ever let soap touch where you are cooking grease. At most, you spray water on it when it's hot and scrape older accumulations off.

I'm not saying that greasy pizza is good or that grease is good, I'm saying that to make good pizza you need to understand grease. In NY, every other diner is Greek, every other pizza place is Italian. They just understand good grease. 


Ozblogger Patrick Hawke reckons he's got the best pizza in his own home:

My Mrs. makes the best Pizza in the cosmos.  The crust has olives embedded in it, and the topping has Italian sausage, hot Hungarian Salami and all sorts of good shit on it.  No anchovies though.  Obscenities that they are. 

She bakes it on an outdoor grill on a Pizza stone.  The thing is near two inches think before it's baked.  Before that, I had never had anything like it. 

PS.  I used to like pineapple on Pizzas but I can't imagine it fitting in with all the hot and spicy stuff I now enjoy.

Sounds great, though I can't stand olives.

More pizza porn in tomorrow night's update. Stay tuned.


And another thing....

Attention Americans: a whole pizza is not a "pie", it's a fucking pizza.


What, no Highlander 2???

EW lists the worst sequels of all time. Other than the glaring omission of the aforementioned catastrophe, it's pretty spot-on. And finally, someone gets it right about Godfather III: yes, Sofia Coppola was bad, but she's nowhere near the worst thing about that abortion.


Springfield in 3D

How cool is this: the opening theme of the Simpsons, recreated in the "real" world.

Thanks to reader Laura W. for the link.


My review of The Oscars

Oh, who cares. I'd rather catch herpes.


A new one for the glossary

FamilyGuyDisintegration - a TV show that makes you laugh a few times, so it takes you a while to realise how crappy it is.


Back to greenies

Our local pro-totalitarian Greenie Idiots are in fine form this week:

- Hamas are champions of democracy and gender equality.

- Cuban government statistics prove the US is the world's No.1 human rights violator. Still waiting for them to release statistics on how many political dissidents the Cuban government has shot.

- John Pilger is having another spazz attack over the non-existent crushing of dissent under the Howard regime. He also praises islamist terror-loon David Hicks as an old-fashioned Australian folk hero:

In Howard's Australia, the ultimate “no-hoper” is a sick, terrified, deeply troubled and abused young man called David Hicks. Hicks was a drifter, which was once an Australian type known as a “swagman” and a “larrikin” and lauded by our bush poets and balladeers. In the 1990s, Hicks became a Muslim and drifted through Kosovo, then on to Afghanistan, where he was kidnapped by the US military and sent to their concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay.

"Drifted", yeah, that's what he did.

- Capitalism is a big, furry monster that eats children!! Ye gods!! Can this be true?

- The alarming news that voluntary unionism kills homosexuals. You learn something new every day, don't ya?


Richard Neville's nice friends

Herbally enhanced media commentator and "futurist" Richard Neville sure has some interesting methods of collecting information. So determined is he to rescue the sheeple from the clutches of the evil Murdoch/Packer/Bush/Howard information cartel, he lists this 9/11 conspiracy page amongst his recommended links. I guess one can safely conclude that Richard believes the WTC was destroyed by a controlled explosion.

This is the man frequently employed by the Australian media as a credible commentator.


Stupid guy need big heap help

Attention Antony Lowenstein: Islam is not a 'race'. Criticising Islam is not 'racism'.

Having your tongue perpetually crammed up the arse of every Islamofascist and screaming about 'zionism' doesn't make you an independent thinker Antony, merely a paranoid, self-hating terror-apologist.

Lowenstein is the kind of arseclown who, if he was alive in WW2, would probably have blamed the invasion of Poland on "Zionist provocation".

Fucking cock-knocker.


28 February 2006

Quote of the day

The Muslim lobby have gotten so much benefit from pig-squealing over the last two decades, that they don't know how to do anything else. Like a spoiled child who learns that the best strategy to get their way is to immediately throw themselves on the floor and wail. Even when it stops working, they keep doing it because they don't know anything else. It's quite funny.

- Strawman


Lots of words

Occasionally, I venture into the world of "serious" literature, just to see if I'm really missing out on something.

I tried it once with James Joyce's Ulysses, which turned out to be slightly preferable to being raped with a belt sander. The same goes for JG Ballard's monumentally dull Crash, Umberto Eco's unreadable Foucault's Pendulum, Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, Albert Camus' The Stranger and Hunter S. Thompson's mind-boggingly godawful Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

So this time, I decided to try out Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow. It's supposed to be some non-linear story based around WW2 and rockets. Fans of the book wank on about all sorts of ooga-booga relating to identity, spacial narratives and all the other ass-leakage that academic nerds with no friends generally talk about.

And like all the books listed above, it's a heap of unreadable, headache-inducing crap. Sorry literati people, but spending 800 pages to say what you could say in 50 isn't talent, it's masturbation.

Ugh. Avoid like the plague.


Free grub and rich people

I spent Sunday afternoon at the CIS food festival in Mittagong. Some great grub, fine vino, a lovely property (gotta love a guy with his own jetcopter) and every non-lefty opinion columnist in the country was there.

Also had a chat to former leftish social-researcher-political-strategist-TV-talking-head Malcolm McGregor, who decided working among politicians and media was for retards and decided to join the military. He's now a Lt Col in the Army, and mentioned his political views had undergone somewhat of a 'conversion' (now there's the understatement of the century). Anyway, a great bloke. was Greg Lindsay, who for some reason invited me to this function, despite the fact I'm not a member of the CIS and was the only person in the place who couldn't possibly be of the slightest benefit to his organisation. Many thanks to him, and if he's reading this, feel free to invite me to any future event.

Oh yeah, everybody loved my t-shirt.


Vespa GTS250 road test

I took Vespa's new flagship scooter for a test ride last week.

Vespa's biggest models have always occupied a weird place in the automotive world. At a whopping $9500 on the road, you could buy a decent 2nd-hand car for the cost of one. It kinda kills the point of buying one as an economy trip.

You'd buy a GT250 for three reasons: 1: you like the benefits of scootering (low fuel & maintenence costs, and free parking everywhere), 2: you want a bit of Italian style, 3: you want a scooter that will easily deal with fast traffic.

The ergonomics are great, plenty of leg room, easy-to-use switchgear and a reasonably comfy seat (well, for around town anyway).

The GT250 handles much better than older Vespas, thanks to the vastly improved stability brought on by the larger 12-inch wheels. It corners well, and the brakes are fantastic.

The motor is a ripper for traffic duties, offering a quick getaway from the lights. The top speed is disappointing for a 250, but the acceleration and torque are top-notch, which is what you need from a machine like this.

Price aside, the GT250 is a mixed bag from a 'scooter practicality' point of view. There's no room under the seat for your helmet, so a topbox is a must which is a big minus for such an expensive scooter. The footwell isn't flat, which makes placing bags between your feet awkward. Luckily there is a luggage hook from which to hang your grocery bags.

Oh yeah, Vespas - with their one piece metal frame - are very expensive to repair after an accident.

The GT250 is a hoot. Sexy, quick, classy and comfy. Personally, there's no way I'd spend so much money on a scoot, not when there are scooters equally as good for just over half the price.

You buy a Vespa because you want a Vespa. And this Vespa wouldn't disappoint.


Advice requested from bicycle nerds

So, what's the best lighting system for bike/trike?

I want to see, not just be seen. What I'm looking for is headlight recommendations.

LED? Halogen? Battery? Dynamo?


Pizza - the ultimate proof of God's existence

Dear readers: I want to know your thoughts on pizza.

My e-mail address is tex<at>whackingday<dot>com

Write to me, and give me all your thoughts on pizza. Write five words or 50000 pages.

Home-made? Purchased from Dominos? Gourmet pizza in a restaurant?

A whole pizza or by the slice?

Thin crust? Thick crust? What sauce? What kinda oven?

What toppings? How much cheese?

So many questions. I want to hear your thoughts on pizza. What makes good pizza? What makes bad pizza? What are your favourite permutations of pizza?

What do you like to drink with your pizza? Do you eat anything else with your pizza?

What countries or locales have the best pizza?

Is there anything in the world better than pizza?

What's the best pizza you've ever had? What's the worst pizza you've ever had?

Do communists like pizza? Can communists make pizza?

Are eggs and/or pineapple on pizza the work of the anti-christ, or a delicacy enjoyed by higher beings?

Why are pizzas better than hippies?

These are just some questions. Feel free to invent your own.

Come on, I want to hear from you: give me your pizza thoughts NOW.




21 February 2006

The Religion of Peace, Part 1

A gang of Paris muslims kidnap, torture and murder a Jew.

Please remember though, that Islam is a religion of tolerance and peace.


The Religion of Peace, Part 2

Moscow mufti Talgat Tajuddin advocates the bashing of homosexuals.

Please remember though, that Islam is a religion of tolerance and peace.


The Religion of Peace, Part 3

40% of British muslims want Sharia law to be introduced in Britain.

Please remember though, that Islam is a religion of tolerance and peace.


Off with his head!

EvilPundit brings us a collection of foul, blasphemous emoticons.


Thom Lyons

I think Thom Lyons - our favourite military fraud and Castro-loving Greenie dingbat - has wisely decided to shut his stupid lying mouth once and for all.

He hasn't been seen on Usenet since Feb 3, and his legal-aid funded legal threats have amounted to nothing, even though I've not removed any material from my website about him.

I think we've finally seen the last of him. He won't be missed.


Brother in Trikehood

Hey, another quasi-conservative/libertarian blogger who likes trikes.


The amusing side of trike touring

Crazy Guy On A Bike is a terrific collection of bike/trike touring journals. And quite a few of them have some amusing photos:


15 February 2006

Birthday wish list

I turn 33 today. And I'm still sick.

If there are some benevolent rich people out there who really have nothing better to do with their surplus funds, please send me the following gifts:

Catrike Speed - $4200


Maria Sharapova - 4 kilos of Unobtanium


Trike - $35,000+


Honda Blackbird - $16,000


Buell XB12R - $18,995

Mmmm......material goodies..........

On the other hand, less wealthy readers can give me a Barnes & Noble gift certificate.

11 February 2006

Short update


I'm currently fighting a fever and a nasty recurrence of a staph infection in my leg, so I'm not up to posting much right now. In other words, it has nothing to do with Thom Lyons, who has vanished. No legal action has been taken against me yet. Yes, I'm shocked too.

I wonder if the greenie nutcase is busy lying his ass off on some obscure web forum somewhere.


6 February 2006

More triking

Following on from my test ride of the Greenspeed GT3, I took two "sports" trikes for a ride last week. The Greenspeed X5 and the Catrike Speed. Sports trikes feature a more "extreme" riding position: the seat is inclined at 30 degrees (against 40 degrees for 'normal' trikes), are lower to the ground and feature a narrower seat/handlebar setup.

Much to my amazement, given what I've read about their unfriendly ergonomics, both trikes were actually more comfortable than the GT3. Visibility wasn't affected by the flatter angle, and pedalling felt easier with the torso and legs being at less of a right angle.

Both offered a similar riding experience. Handling was sensational, and there seemed to be less "pedal steer" than on the GT3. Comfort was super. Rear visibility is still a nightmare, so mirrors are essential, as is a head-rest, which comes free with the Catrike, but is only an option of the X5.

The gearshifting on the X5 was quick and smooth. The traditional bar-end index shifters were easy to use, unlike the dreadful twist-shifters on the Catrike, which were hard to use, partly because the inward-angle handlebars were jammed against my torso and made to shifters hard to get to. Thankfully, 'straight' handlebars and bar-end shifters are a no-cost option.

On balance, I prefered the Catrike. It felt lighter, tighter and more responsive. A change of handlebars would fix the only problem I have with it. Lumbar support isn't as good as the X5 but it's still plenty comfy. It's also a beautiful piece of engineering. Stylish, lean, beautifully finished with heaps of nice touches. The X5 looks a little bland in comparison.

Yup, I may have to get me one of these.


Respect our peaceful religion, or we'll kill you

The Religion of Psychotic Death Monkeys has its beards and burkas in a twist over a bunch of cartoons.

Charming people. And they wonder why their religion has an image problem.

As I've already flushed my koran down the toilet, here are the pictures for all the wannabe Jihadis out there:



Thom update

No word yet from Thommy's lawyer. I've had a bunch of legal folk offer their help though, which is fantastic. Needless to say, I have no intention of shutting up about this lying greenie lunatic.

Come to think of it, it's strange he even hired a lawyer. Remember when he said this?

Why would I pay a lawyer to do man's job.  They are the freaks that wear the womans wigs and dresses to work.


Oh, Thom is the vice president of the American Ex-Servicemen's Association of Victoria. I have advised them of Thom's "activities". They will be looking into the matter.

Watch this space.


Puppy blogging

The Chinese just ushered in the Year of the Dog. Auspicious, really, since I've resolved that I'm gonna get a puppy this year. Other than mini dachshunds, I also think Cavaliers and Pugs are ridiculously cute, and perfect for apartments:

Awwww. Aren't they adorable?

Just for the hell of it, here's a dachshund picture:


31 January 2006

Thom Lyons gets a lawyer......with your money

Yes, it's finally happened. Ex-Greens candidate and fake RAAF veteran Thom Lyons has engaged a lawyer at Victorian Legal Aid to stop my "harrassment" of him.

I guess he doesn't like having his bogus claims of military service examined.

I've been threatened with an Intervention Order, unless I remove all material from this website relating to Thom, stop posting to usenet, stop writing e-mails to him (which I didn't do until he invited me to) and remove the 'Thom Lyons' blog, which I have nothing to do with.

If an intervention order - which is intended to protect people from domestic violence - is granted, I will not even be able to mention Thom on this website, unless I want to get arrested.

I've agreed to stop writing e-mails to Thommy, despite the fact he started the correspondence.

I will not however, stop writing about him. He has no basis for his claims of harrassment. I have not contacted him at his house, have not telephoned him, and have made no threats of violence. I have only checked public claims he has made on the internet. He has been found to have lied about his military record. This is not opinion or slander. This is fact. Thom is making an effort to do one thing only: he doesn't want anyone telling the truth about him.

Thom Lyons is a certifiable lunatic, conspiracy theorist, compulsive liar, slanderer, military imposter and Castro apologist. He has made threats of violence against me, slandered me as a 'fascist', published private details of mine on the internet, issued bogus legal threats and demanded money.

And yet, despite this nut's behaviour, the big sissy has managed to get the Victorian taxpayer to fund his legal effort to stop me telling the truth about him. Kinda makes you feel glad to pay taxes, doesn't it?

I wonder if Vic Legal Aid is aware of their new client's history? It simply boggles the mind that any trained legal expert could take this freak seriously.

Oh, and if Thommy is reading this, here's a brief message for you: get fucked.

29 January 2006


I have nothing to do with this, I swear.

26 January 2006

Australia Day

What he said.


Scumbag pollutes Australia

Venezuelan politician and communist piece-of-shit Carolus Wimmer is visiting Australia next month.

If anyone passes him on the street, please spit on him for me.

Spit on the people who go listen to him as well. They could use a bath.


The Festival of Fools

Speaking of Venezuela and idiots.....

Venezuela has been put firmly on the map of global left-wing activism this week, as more than 100,000 people take part in this year's World Social Forum which is being held in the capital city, Caracas.


"It's my third time in Caracas within the space of two years," said Kate Fox, a 21-year-old anti-globalisation activist who has travelled from Washington DC.

"Venezuela is without a doubt the new Mecca of the Left. It used be Havana, but Venezuela is definitely the place to hang out now if you're against capitalist exploitation."

Of course, this celebration of ugly, smelly people isn't without it's irony.....

However, street sellers in downtown Caracas have also realised the potential of exploiting the huge market for left-wing souvenirs.

Many of them have switched from selling pirated DVDs and CDs to T-shirts showing the face of President Chavez or old classics like Che Guevara.

Hero worship

"The Chavez T-shirt is my bestseller," says Luz Castillo, who owns a little stall next to the conference centre for the Caracas World Social Forum. "I've sold six shirts within the space of an hour. I'm making a profit of $7 per item."

Other street vendors are selling Chavez posters, watches, books, flags, audio tapes and even toy plastic dolls of Venezuela's charismatic leader.

(Tex waits for the barfing to subside)

I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that actual poor Venezuelans aren't as enthused as these middle-class champagne socialist shitbags:

Carlos, a middle-aged man, who has spent the last three years sleeping rough on the streets, shrugs his shoulders.

"If you ask me, it's all very well for these people to fly in from abroad, to buy their T-shirt and then disappear," he says. "Nothing changes for me and the five other guys who sleep on these park benches next to me."

That ungrateful peasant cunt! Off to the re-education camp with him!


One Communist = One Bullet.

(Via Damian Penny)


Wonderful news for the Timorese!

Castro has offered them 65 Cuban doctors.

Now the Timorese can experience the same standard of health care as Cubans:

Thank god for those wonderful communists, eh?


Thom Lyons a fashion model!

Somewhere in the world there is a river of bullshit, and Thom Lyons is stuck firmly in the middle of it in a coricle with a single paddle.

Yes, our favourite nutcase ex-Greens candidate and fake military veteran has emerged to issue more amazingly lame threats, screech some non-sequiturs and generally make an ever bigger public dick out of himself.

To begin this Thommy update, I'll begin by stating what you've probably expected: no word from the police about my pending criminal charges for "stalking" Mr. Lyons, none of my internet accounts have been shut down, and I'm not being sued by Thom's non-existent law firm of "O'Lynne, Lyons and Fitzpatrick".

No surprises here.

Thommy has however been launching some more entertaining ravings recently. Remember how Thommy was continually demanding that I pay his photographer friend "Jim" for the use of Thom's photo?

My suspicions were raised when Thommy wouldn't give me any infomation about Jim, so I could confirm he actually took the photo and wanted payment. It seems "Jim" wasn't able to use e-mail or the telephone and decided to send his messages through Thom. "Jim" also couldn't decide how much money I owed him:

Oh by the way, the photograph used is copyrighted and the photographer
wants $5000 immediately.  I told him that these guys are right wing
fools and don't believe in obeying the law.
- 19 Oct 2005

Your a crook mate.  You owe Jim $175 minimum.
- 4 Nov 2005

Remove your blog about me liar and pay Jim his $175 .  E-mail me
personally for his address.
- 8 Nov 2005

I've been e-mailing Thom for Jim's contact details ever since. I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear he hasn't been able to supply them yet. Instead he's been screaming his tits off about me "stalking" him via e-mail, despite the fact he asked me to e-mail him in the first place.

Well, since he went quiet around Xmas time, I've been e-mailing him and asking him on USENET when he's going to supply Jim's contact details so I can talk to him. Suddenly, Thom doesn't seem at all keen for me to contact "Jim". I asked Thom why he hadn't come through with Jim's contact details so I could organise payment:

Just send the money asshole>  I need to get his postal code and then you'll have it.  

Other than the fact I don't need a postcode to e-mail the guy, it appears Thom isn't aware that every Australian postcode is listed in the White Pages, on the Australia Post website, and on Wikipedia.

But, says Thommy, he's never been to Jim's house, so doesn't know what suburb it's in.

It is quite remarkable then, that the mysterious "Jim" has been able to inform Thom of his payment demands, yet Thom is still unaware of Jim's phone number, e-mail address or residential address.

I queried Thommy on his curious lack of knowledge of Jim's details. Thom said it was because Jim was off in the wilderness photographing owls.


So having failed to come up with the photographers contact details, despite months and demands and promises, Thommy decides to change topic - he now says I owe him money. Why is that would might ask? Because he is entitled to a modelling fee for that photo.

And when are you going to pay me for using me on your pathetic blog without a model release


By the way I also have a fee for using my image on your wacking day.  Bet you'll never pay up


$2500 will do nicely.  Send me your home address and I'll send an invoice.

Bwehehehe. Thom the model.

And I'd better pay up too, or else.....

You'll get your invoices and if you don't pay up, well its collection agency time.

Trembling in front of my PC, I meekly responded that I had no legal obligation to pay him one cent...

then it goes over to a collect agency then.  That's one way I can get
around the fact your hiding on the other side of a state line.

Scary stuff. Yet another terrifying threat to go along with the fake law firm, fake lawsuit, fake police friend, fake court summons, fake communications tribunal and fake registered letter.

Other than the fascinating topic of photographer payments, I've been trying to get answers out of Thom regarding two subjects:

1- Why he lied about serving in the RAAF
2- Why he lied about being nominated for the Bronze Star

I (and others) have been asking literally hundreds of times, yet Thom has been unable to clarify exactly when he served in the RAAF, why his name doesn't appear in RAAF records or why the Bronze Star doesn't appear on his military records. He has however, been throwing a fit every time we ask him:

I explain nothing to stalkers and pufters.  You have been cornered in
your lies about having all my records too doldo!

But what has truly been amazing is his efforts in the last few days to try to explain his way out of his claim that he was awarded the Bronze Star in Vietnam.

The "amazing" part isn't the fact that he's lying through his teeth, but that he'll change his explanation multiple times on the same day. The explanations he's given can be roughly put into seven groups:

1- I've never actually seen his military records and am lying about the fact he never received the Bronze Star.

2- Pretend I am referring to the Bronze Battle Star (not a valour award) then demanding to know why I'm claiming he never won the BBS.

3- Pretending the Bronze Star and the Bronze Battle Star are the same thing.

4- He really did win the Bronze Star but he had it removed from his record.

5- He really did win the Bronze Star, but turned it down.

6- He was young and confused in Vietnam and thought the Bronze Battle Star was the same as the Bronze Star (exactly why he would still think that over 30 years later is still a mystery).

7- He really did win the bronze star, had it erased from his record, but he ended up being awarded it anyway, and that I'm lying about not seeing it on his records.

Remember, Thom would use a combination of of these on the same day and thought nobody would notice.

As I mentioned before, he's been screeching a lot too:

By the way TEX how many medals did you win in the Viet Nam War?  NONE?
How many medals did you win in the first Gulf war?  None?  How many
medals did you win in the current 2 wars?  None?  How many medals did
you win in the Falklins War?  None?

all your lies and slander can be accessed for your trial.


ARE WE THERE YET?  Go take you ritilin and calm down nutter.

Why do you think I do anything at your rate.  Your not in control here

see another example of your ADD.  Or are you so stupid to under stand
anyone in Nam when I was there got the star?  Repeating the same thing
makes you look like a spoiled little child sitting in the back seat of
a car saying over and over

Thommy doesn't sound like a happy camper right now, does he?


18 January 2006

Quote of the day

This is a great catalogue if you like umlauts

- Me, while browsing through an IKEA catalogue


Celebrity Idiots for Christ

I see one of the awful Baldwin brothers has become an avenging angel of jeebus, who apparently told him to go forth and stop pornography.

Doesn't god ever tell these freaks to do something useful, like shutting the fuck up?


Blame Canada

I only have a vague understanding of the Canadian political system, but it's been highly amusing watching the deranged campaign being run by the uber-lefty fruit-loops in the governing liberal party.

Canada: the New Zealand of the Northern Hemisphere. Let's just hope they don't have the same electoral results.


A question for my bicycling readers

Have any of you used a Rohloff Speed Hub or a Schlumpf Mountain Drive? Was it worth the money?

Please let me know at tex{at}whackingday{dot}com. If I get a trike, I may get these fitted. I am so goddamned sick of cog-crunching and slipping gears.


The most overrated computer game of all time

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sucks donkeyshit.

Reviewers and the gaming public have collectively creamed their shorts over this game, where you get to be a gangsta and chill wit' da homeez, yo.

It has an atrocious control system, howlingly awful "badass gangsta" cut scenes, and some of the worst enemy AI since Space Invaders.

I think this game appeals to sad white nerds who drive Riceboy cars and desperately wanna be homeboys.

Yes, the fact that the whole 'gameworld' loads at once is cool, as are the radio stations and fake ads, but everything else blows. Driving is a clumsy pain in the ass, as is running, fighting, finding your way around, the entire game interface, and pretty much everything else.

If you're one of these sad wankers who has wet dreams about Tupac Shakur, you'll love GTA. I hear some cool stuff happens later in the game, but I don't have the slightest inclination to find out what they are.

Frankly, the whole thing is a pale imitation of The Simpsons: Hit & Run, which is pretty much the same game, only about a hundred times more fun, a million times funnier and without a trace of sad hip-hop-wannabe dork fantasies. Gags abound, and the "virtual Springfield" is astounding. Plus you get to drive such iconic Simpsons vehicles as the pink family sedan, the Canyonero, the Mr. Plow truck, the Honor Roller, the monorail, the "Homer", the Malibu Stacy car, Apu's Trans Am, and Groundskeeper Willie's tractor. And any game where one of your missions is rounding up Dr. Nick Riviera's escaped laboratory monkeys is all right by me.

As for GTA: San Andreas, wake me up when the boredom ends, homie.

Looking for older whackings?

Wanna see my previous rants against lefty, commie, peacenick wankers, plus lots of fun stuff about motorcycles, music and movies?................ Click here for the full past whackings index


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